This thought just hit me like a pile of bricks, and I need to sound off on it really fast.
In evangelical culture, it is often repeated that love is not an emotion. Love is an action. If you google search for those words, a slew of Christian articles pop up. Christian courtship books, books about relationships, evangelical talking heads have reinforced this message. My family said it over and over. Until maybe yesterday I had just accepted this paradigm without question. It made sense. Love isn’t an emotion, it’s so much more than that. Love isn’t a feelings towards someone, it’s doing something to them.
This was rooted deeply in a rejection of emotion and desires in general. After all, feelings are fickle, cheap, short-lived. Feelings are deceitful, like the heart. Feelings are sinful, the lust of the flesh, the pride of life. Wants, needs, feelings, desires… all of these are to be crucified. But love is to remain, so love is not a feeling. Love is action.
And this is why whenever my mom would say “I know this doesn’t feel loving to you, but it is love” I believed her. This is why, whenever I was mistreated, belittled, rejected, and disrespected, I excused it as “just their way of loving me.” Their way of loving, despite the fact that it did not feel loving, had validity because feelings could not be trusted but actions were love. Their way of loving allowed them to consistently wield the power to define what love looked like, regardless of whether I liked it or not.
Accepting that paradigm meant that I could not accept their love while simultaneously rejecting their actions. Each time I tried to insist that I needed them to treat me differently, the answer would be “but we love you. We love you.” And love is action, not a feeling. Whether or not I felt unloved was irrelevant. Whether or not I was hurting, I was scared, I wanted to die, it didn’t matter because those were feelings and feelings can’t be trusted. Love can.
And over and over, I accepted this paradigm. Even as I tried to argue that abuse could be committed with loving intentions, even as I argued that I wanted respect, even as I tried to make them understand that what they were doing was hurting me, I still internally accepted the idea that love is an action as valid and, as such, I had no real ground to stand on. The best I could do would be to quibble over which actions are love, which is a very difficult argument to win since it is so subjective and situation-specific. From me, love looked like trying to still have a relationship with my family after all of the hurt they had caused. From them, love looked like emotional manipulation. Who was I to decide if that was or was not love?
But that’s exactly why the idea that love is an action is so wrong. It gives all of the power to define love to the one loving, not the one on the receiving end. It allows one person to decide that any action done with a feeling of love, is love. In fact, actions can be done with a feeling of hate, and it can still be called love.
I do believe that my family loves me. I think they love me very deeply. But love is an emotion. They can have very deep feelings for me and still act hatefully. They can want the very best for me and still be unbelievably cruel. They are right to say that actions mean more than emotions. But they are wrong to say that love is an action.
It is completely possible to feel love for someone while your actions destroy them.
Because love is only a feeling, it is meaningless to me unless it is demonstrated through actions that make me feel loved. And that’s the difference. If we accept that love is only a feeling, then we must by necessity give the recipient of our love some amount of control over how that love is demonstrated. The recipient gets to define what actions make them feel your love.
And this might seem like a minor distinction, but to me it is so important. Love is not something you can do to me. Love is only something you can feel about me. The actions that you choose to take based on that feeling are separate. They are not love. I can acknowledge and desire your love while simultaneously utterly rejecting the actions you take to demonstrate it.
Signs that you are a Sheltered Evangelical: the List
I hope to eventually tackle each of the subjects listed here. You can think of this as a sort of table of contents, or a preview of what this blog hopes to cover. The order of topics is not relevant and I will probably eventually add more. Without further ado… here are 20 ways you might know you are a Sheltered Evangelical!
1) You think sexual attraction is a sin.
2) Atheists are scary.
3) You are a homophobe because you really ARE scared of the gays.
4) You cry after you masturbate.
5) You feel like a failure if you DON’T shove your religion down peoples’ throats.
6) You are always guilty.
7) You are taught to ask questions to secular people, but shot down if you ask questions about religion.
8) You think that cleavage-displaying women on youtube is porn.
9) You are told that sex is wonderful but have no idea how it works.
10) You think a lack of sexual attraction in a relationship is a GOOD thing.
11) Your evolutionist friends turn out to be more tolerant of your ideas than you are of theirs.
12) Your “normal” peers can’t understand how a seemingly-smart person could have been taken in by so much bullshit indoctrination.
13) You think that your first-ever relationship MUST end in marriage or you will no longer be a suitible partner.
14) You still think you are required to obey your parents even after you are an adult.
15) You believe having a dissenting opinion is sinful.
16) In college, you aren’t sure which words are swears and which ones are safe to repeat.
17) You didn’t know that women could orgasm.
18) You were always taught to “just say no” but were also drilled in absolute obedience.
19) Rape fantasies are the only way you can “get off” because consent to sex feels sinful.
20) You think men can’t control their lust and your body is the problem.